How to be a good liberal

I got this in my e-mail the other day and felt it was post worthy. So here it is

In order to be a good liberal you have to believe...

That there were no charities before welfare,

there was no art before federal funding,

that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high,

the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding,

the United States must not make the decision to defend itself by itself; it must first get permission from the U.N.,

that identifying individuals by their uniqueness is "racist," but identifying them only as a member of a race is not,

that good economies are caused by politicians and not by entrepreneurs,

that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity,

that farmers, ranchers, hunters and fishermen don't care about nature and the long-term survival of species, but "animal rights" activists who've never been outside the city do,

that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate and in the cycles of the sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs,

that the thinning of forests by lumber companies and forestry workers "destroys habitat," while burning it down in its entirety by allowing unhindered forest fires makes animals "thrive,"

that American corporations' drilling for oil in "environmentally sensitive" areas is bad, but paying billions of dollars to Muslim countries for their oil is better,

that Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, George Washington Carver or Thomas Edison,

that private citizens should not be allowed to choose their doctors, their childrens' schools, where they live, what foods they eat, where and if they smoke, and when they speak or write: which "politically correct" words they may use and which "incorrect" ones they may not -- without your help,

that there is no such thing as a "sovereign citizen." In fact, there is no such thing as "inalienable rights," only permissions from government,

that it would be vastly preferably to risk destroying the economy of the United States even in wartime than to allow drilling in areas which might risk the well-being of wildlife,

that the explosions in medical and prescription drug costs since 1965 have been caused by greedy doctors and drug companies and not by medicare, HMO subsidies and labyrinthine government regulations,

that public schools must be given ever-more money and protection from competition, no matter how poorly they perform,

that social changes must be made by classroom propaganda and coercion, not by persuasion, and certainly NOT by example,

that the ancient left-right political spectrum must be defended as the only yardstick for evaluating ideologies because the old left-right one conveniently implies that "the democratic ideal" is nothing more than a compromise between socialism and fascism, and so the ONLY question is "WHAT KIND of huge, powerful, all-pervasive government do you want?",

that black people can't succeed without your help, but those who do, or tell others they can, must be vilified as "Uncle Toms,"

that the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution,

that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists,

that even though there are 54,000,000 children under 16 in the U.S., and even though you can never achieve "zero" accidental deaths from drowning, choking, fires, falls, poisoning, motor vehicles and medical mistakes, you can somehow achieve zero from firearm accidents,

that the quantity of natural resources in all of existence remains finite, and will always run out unless government controls it.

that businessmen are parasites, but politicians and bureaucrats are not,

that private citizens are too stupid to make their own decisions about anything, but people in government are too smart not to give them dictatorial powers over everything,

that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because "the right people" haven't been in charge,

that contributions to the Democratic Party by the Chinese Communists are in the best interests of the United States,

that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural,

that capital punishment is wrong, but support abortion on demand.

that the military, not corrupt politicians start wars.

that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal

Bring out yer Dead!

The government, despite arguments that this could change how captured United States soldiers will be treated in future engagements, has released the dead pictures of Uday and Qusay. The reasoning behind this is that the deaths have to be confirmed by the citizens of Iraq before many will believe that they are not going to come back to power.

The images are very graphic; they can be viewed here.

French inept at everything

In a rare form of protest this week the Eiffel Tower attempted to recreate a Vietnam era Buddhist burning to show its disgust in how wussie the country has become. After setting fire to an upper level of its observation deck the all the French inside at the time did what the do best, ran away screaming in fear. Unfortunately the tower didn’t use enough petrol and the fire soon extinguished leaving only first-degree burns. Doctors treated and released Eiffel and gave him an over the counter burn salve.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are no more.

The Centcom release reads as following, “On Tuesday, July 22, forces associated with the 101st Airborne Division and Special Operations Forces conducted an operation against suspected regime figures at a residence in Mosul, Iraq. The site is currently being exploited. Four Iraqis were killed in the operation. We have confirmed that two of the dead were Saddam’s sons Uday and Qusay”

Task Force 20, a special operations unit created specifically to hunt down Saddam and his top officials, spearheaded the operation and were backed by two hundred members of the 101st Airborne Division. Military Officials said that the team was dispatched to the house and tried to enter the upper class Mosul home. They came under small arms fire where four soldiers were wounded. The four men inside the house barricaded themselves in on the second floor and put up a firefight with troops lasting six hours where humvee mounted 50 cal. Machine guns as well as Apache launched TOW missiles before pulling four men out of the house. Using dental records as well as fingerprints two of the men were positively identified as Uday and Qusay. It is speculated that the two other men that died in the raid were Uday’s teenage son and a bodyguard.

*I could say that I am a day late on this because I wanted to make sure that it was true or because I was thinking of a good way to word it. But the real reason is because I am lazy and only typed half of the post last night

In the News

I like to consider myself an observer of the world and constantly peruse the odd news stories of the world. I plan on often finding the best of these crazy stories and writing about them on this. I am thinking the format will be to make up what the headlines should read then report on the event. Here goes.

“Metallica further destroys careers with another ridiculous lawsuit”
Once again Metallica is back in the news for a ridiculous lawsuit. The rock band Metallica is suing an independent Canadian band known as Unfaith. What are they suing over, the Band Unfaith uses the chords E and F, which Metallica claims they have been using since as long ago as 1982. In a statement by Metallica’s drummer, Lars Ulrich, he said that “people have grown to associate E, F with our music.” Unfaiths singer, Erik Ashley, thought “the suit was a prank at first” but now doesn’t know how the band will respond. Personally I hope this goes to court and the judge tells Metallica to pull their heads out of their collective asses and then makes them pay Unfaith a large sum of money due for being “complete and total egotistical jackasses”.
*Later this was proven to be a hoax.

“Beat the heat… put it in a butt”
Attention everyone! It has just been declared that August is Anal Sex month! While sodomites, the porn industry, as well as whores and tramps leap for joy I have to say that this asinine holiday is one to laugh at. The company who made the announcement is Good Vibrations, a sex toy company. Experts have predicted that sales of the children’s book “Everybody Poops” will double due to the up coming holiday and the recent Supreme Count case that ruled anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional. So remember to practice safe plumbing and stock up on plenty of water-based lube such as KY. And don’t worry about not using all the lube you can save it for Masturbation May!

“China makes gigantic condom to draw attention away from their penis size”. This week in China an 80-meter high condom was erected (no pun intended) by the Guilin Latex Company. The massive condom has a 100-meter girth and is claimed to be the largest contraceptive ever. Besides Godzilla being back in town what type of occasion would call for the use a giant condom? If you guessed July 11 being World Population Day then give yourself a pat on the back. China is also using colossal contraceptive to promote condom use in the most populated country on Earth. China has recently been plagued by his massive demographic growth as well as a growing percentage of Chinese contracting sexually transmitted diseases, due to a boom in its sex industry. If only they could raise the popularity of snuff videos they would be killing two birds with one stone (controlling demographic growth and spread of STD’s), while still supporting the porn industry.

“Pacific leaves huge wad of Dick sperm on beach”
The huge blob of flesh that washed ashore in Chile was originally thought to be a disputed species of giant octopus has been identified as the carcass of a sperm whale. The sperm whale is largest toothed whale and dives the deepest. They usually measure around 65 feet long and weigh approximately 50 tons. This species of whale was made famous by Herman Melville’s novel Moby Dick. How can a 60-foot whale be mistaken for a large tentacled invertebrate? Because of the way sperm whales decompose after their death. Once a whale dies it floats on the surface and rots from the inside until it becomes a skeleton that is surrounded in a liquid-like gel of skin and blubber. Once the skin tears the bones sink to the bottom while the skin and blubber continue floating.

“Despite attempts to change, Singapore still more square than the Amish”
Singapore recently began to allow its citizens to bungee jump in an effort to show that Singapore is not as uptight as they actually are. In another recent effort to show their “wild side” Singapore has made the following legal: chewing gum, by prescription only, dancing on bar tops, saloons being able to stay open 24 hours, and even allowing profane language to be used in the theater.


Random Fact: Kilts were originally from France and not Scotland. But the Scots took them away from the wussie French and punched them in the face for letting their surrendering hands touch such an amazing article of clothing.

Movie Reviews

I've been an regular reader and poster on Tucker Max's messageboard and webpage for a while now and have had the opportunity to come in contact with some of the most humerous people I have ever met. One of those people is a friend of Tuckers who goes by the handle "Slingblade". I have included some of his movie reviews, which happen to be some of the funniest ever written.

Brotherhood of the Wolf:
There are only two times I have grown physically violent after viewing a movie. The first time was when I saw The Pledge in theatres. I can't discuss the specifics of that incident because 1) a red-dimmed tide overtook my vision when I was enroute to the projectionist's booth to smite whatever I could find and 2) the resulting litigation is still pending. The second time is this goddamn piece of crap - Brotherhood of the Wolf.

First of all it’s a French movie. Frankly the fact that I had Netflix send it to me after discovering this fact means I have only myself to blame. I think the French version of the movie title is "Goddamn piece of shit" or something similar, I don't know. I have testosterone in my system, so I can't speak French.

Let me run down the characters in this masterpiece for you. We have an effete taxidermist who happens to be about a fifth degree black belt. His traveling companion is a mute Indian who is wandering around France in the 1600's and somehow managed to take enough time out of his busy schedule of drinking firewater and ceding his ancestral property to pick up Judo or Akido. Their ally is, what else, a papal whore spy. And I'm not just calling her that, she really was a whore. Seriously, I'm not making any of this up. A goddamn taxidermist ninja is your hero in this one. Welcome to France people.

They spend the next what seems like fourteen hours running around fighting a dog I think. To be honest, I can't really remember because I hit myself over the head with a sledge hammer immediately after viewing the film in an attempt to induce amnesia. Picture the scene immediately after this puppy ends: HATE is frothing at the mouth in a blind fury and begins pacing the apartment and talking to himself, incapable of understanding what the hell just happened. I am frantically searching the basement for the heaviest thing I can find to beat myself unconscious with. HATE begins to slam his hand in the door, as that feeling is one far, far superior to what we felt upon watching the movie. I manage to locate the sledgehammer and put myself down. This event, sadly, represents the most physical damage ever done to an American by a French person.


Blackhawk Down:
Loved this movie. Loved it. Foreigners die in droves in this masterpiece. However, I have a little piece of advice concerning the lingo used in the film.

After viewing the film it is NOT a good idea to refer to the North Africans manning the parking garage in your office building as "skinnys." This will result in some office-mandated "sensitivity training." There some painted whore will listen to your ramblings and tell you that you have "issues with women." Then she will look really surprised when you threaten to "punch her in the goddamn face." The court system calls this "assault." An assault charge makes it hard to find "gainful employment" due to "liability concerns." Instead, you will spend your days watching movies and "plotting your holy vengeance."

Slingblade:
This movie is about a funny-talking retard. If that isn't a formula for Hollywood success I don't know what is. I'd pay big $$ to see any of your A-list talent play a retard. Can you image a reatrded Pacino delivering his ham-fisted retard dialogue while dressed in a ketchup stained smock: "HOOOOO-ahhhhhh, i just crapped myself. Its alllllllllllllllll sticky." I get giddy just thinking about it.

What this movie does is take the retard genre to undreamt of heights. This is the Gone With the Wind of the retard flick. And they did it by turning Billy Bob into some kind of retarded crime-fighting Superman. Genius. I don't throw that term around lightly unless discussing myself. But this is sheer genius.

Billy Bob begins the film with an event that you average retard can relate to. He is released from prison despite the fact that he killed someone. Super. Score one more for the Supreme Court and their goddamn ridiculous ban on executing retards. I swear to God if we don't start executing retards soon I'm going to take care of this problem myself. Anyway, this ex-felon retard continues on the tried and true retard path and befriends a young boy. But this is where it diverges from reality to fantasy. Instead of slaughtering the young boy and eating his gizzard like retards all want to do, he decides to protect the boy from his mother's abusive boyfriend. And by protect, I mean kill. Yup, what we have here is a repeat felon. Who would have guessed? Not your pot-smoking hippie public defenders and their communist liberal friends in the judiciary. I think we're supposed to feel bad for the retard. This, of course, wrongly assumes that retards can feel. A fact I disputed highly in my eighth grade science project entitled "Pain responses of retards locked in my basement and tortured to death; A Retrospective."

I should also note that after watching this movie if you go to bars, talk like the retard, and say stuff like "rrmmmmhh, i reckon i want to touch your vaginer" it won't get you laid. Of course, neither will showing off your Star Wars tattoo so I'm pretty much out of ideas that don't involve GHB.

10 Things I Hate About You:
By far my favorite genre of all is the teen romantic comedy. I think its because these movies speak to something in me. As most of you can probably surmise from my reviews: I am nothing if not a romantic at heart. However, I had the same problem with this movie as I did with all of the other movies like it. The reconciliation of the estranged lovers. This one takes an especially appalling and nauseating twist as the character played by Heath Ledger successfully regains his lost love through the use of a song and dance routine. We all know that in reality the thing normal people do when their girlfriend dumps them is they go out and find a mild-mannered hooker and beat the living shit out of her.

Now I don't know if it was the recurring nightmares this scene gave me or what, but I decided to try this little maneuver on a girl I had offended. Apparently girls grow upset when you are late for a date because you were playing video games and your excuse is: "Captain Tarpals needed my help defending the peace-loving people of Naboo from the invading droid army." Even more so when you tell them they have to remit to you a written apology on behalf of Captain Tarpals for their complicity in disrupting the war effort.

So in an attempt to win her back I spontaneously burst into, what I thought, was a quite fetching song and dance number performed with my usual panache and ribald flair. Unfortunately she gave me a look of revulsion and pity the likes of which I haven't seen since I told my Dad I didn't want to go play football because Star Trek was on. Her loss.

Ethics?

I was reading through one of the various news e-mails I receive I read something that put me within mere seconds of having my life ended. Why? Because my brain almost exploded while it trying to comprehend what it just read. Peter Singer a bioethics professor at Princeton was awarded the 2003 World Technology Award for Ethics. That seems pretty normal doesn’t it? Well not if you know that Peter Singer is a very controversial professor who has been protested by students at the university for his advocating the practice of the infanticide of disabled babies up to 28 days after their birth. The first question I have is why in the hell is he a bioETHICS professor. And secondly what kind of high-grade hashish was this World Technology Network smoking to allow him to be awarded this? Apparently his peers vote on this award and I can’t speak for their morals but can anyone honestly say that this man has Ethics?

I’m sick and tired of hearing about all these idiots twist around the words of the State of the Union to make it possible for them to yell and protest about yet another thing that the President did or in this case said. The sixteen words in question are, "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." The British government STILL stands behind that statement and has reiterated that the forged documents have nothing to do with their conclusion. The administration did not need to quote from forged documents to build a case about Saddam Hussein’s long publicly known history of trying and in some cases succeeding in importing fissile material into Iraq. In fact 250 TONS has been previously imported into Iraq from Niger, the country in question. Just like the previous dozen attempts the liberals have failed to discredit the Bush administration or to quell his high approval ratings.

I'll have the yellowcake with lemon frosting.

Liberia, what can I say they’re in quite a pickle. And as is expected the United States is being blamed as the reason. They say the United States has an obligation to fix this mess, by sending Military troops into the country. Why is America obligated to help? Because more than 100 years ago the nation was established by freed American slaves. Who are the loudest voices calling for American involvement? The President of Liberia who knows that without some sort of intervention he will likely be killed and the Communist-lite Socialist party of America, better known as Democrats or the Liberal Left. These Liberals are the same who were venomently against overthrowing Saddam Hussein’s Iraqi dictatorship. But who strongly urged for military action in the Balkans, Somalia, as well as Haiti. These liberals will support any type of humanitarian cause but will never stand up and back anything that involves our national interest or security. Michael Radu put it best when he described the lefts mentality as, “Marines as social workers are fine, but Marines as Marines are proof of American imperialism.”

Before I am say whether or not I feel we should or shouldn’t involve our military in Liberia I’ll give a little background of the nation itself. As it has already been stated, freed American slaves founded Liberia in the mid nineteenth century (1847 to be exact). The American religious sect known as the Quakers did not feel that America could properly integrate freed African Americans with former slave owners. So they, the Quakers, followed Britain’s lead in Sierra Leone and began to relocate willing African Americans to the west coast of Africa where they founded Liberia. (Sierra Leone was established by slaves the British navy found on captured trading ships) The American government didn’t even acknowledge Liberia until after the American Civil War. And even then they were reluctant to do so because of actions of the former Americans. The returned slaves actually kept the native Liberians as slaves and “contract laborers” until 1980. There was also a slave trade with Spanish Guinea (now Equatorial Guinea) where native Africans were sold to plantation owners. Native Africans have always been the majority but the small American-Liberian elite caste treated them as inferior and kept them poor and uneducated.

A coup occurred in 1980 when the tribal Africans overthrew and shot the president and cabinet. Ten years later, in 1990, another party staged a coup, except this time they filmed the murders and mutilation of the president. During these historic events in Liberia’s history the current president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, escaped from prison in Boston, Massachusetts and fled to Burkina Fasso. By 1997 he had killed and intimidated enough people in Liberia to be “elected” into office. But his murderous ways didn’t stop Jessie Hijackson from visiting and befriending him. Soon after Taylor took power the United States and France supported Guinea and the Ivory Coast in arming, persuading, and even paying large amounts of Liberian refugees to go back. It is these groups of refugees who formed their own organizations that have and are fighting Taylor into a corner. And to top things off in Sierra Leone there is a UN-sponsored tribunal which has charged Taylor with crimes against humanity.

Even though Liberia is in no way part of our nation interest the United States still is supposed to have some sort of parental moral obligation to reestablish a democracy that never really existed? Personally I don’t buy that reasoning. Yet I also can’t justify sitting on our hands with the Africa situation any longer. This time around though I don’t think the United States should be the spearhead of this intervention. This issue seems like it should fall under the jurisdiction the new African Union. However, much like the rest of the continent they can’t get their act together and are still squabbling over whether the parliament should be in Capetown or Tripoli. Or maybe the UN should spearhead this while America offers mainly logistical and financial support with some military personnel. Whomever takes the lead in this African intervention I do not think that it should be the United States.

Where is Lemmiwinks?

This just in, women are lying cheating deceitful whores who tramp it up more than we ever knew. Studies show that 90 percent of women who commit adultery feel no remorse for their actions. Instead they state that they feel “entitled” (to go behind their hardworking husband’s backs and spend the money he earns on abortions for the bastard fetuses accumulated from their part time job as a cum dumpster). This statistic is prompting researches to expand on the scientific theory that females do not actually have the organ known as a heart. But rather hard naturally formed minerals or petrified material in lieu of a heart and this “stone heart” does in fact pump a liquid that is chemically similar to crude oil.

In the face of these surprising figures it has also been determined that women lie about their sexual figures more than their male counterparts do. Their lies do not stop with number of partners but also the age they claim to have lost their virginity, their use of pornography, and masturbation. Women are so sensitive about being labeled as someone who is sexually promiscuous that they have a hard time not lying on surveys even if they are anonymous. This convincing research has only added more truth behind my favorite saying, “Anything that has evolved its own coin slot cannot be trusted with anything, especially money”

Figures and facts for the above written can be found in the New York Post (July 13, 2003) and the London Evening Standard (July 14, 2003


-“Darn good” is how President Bush defended his intelligence about Iraq. This prompted many a left wing liberal to ridicule and laugh at Bush’s southern slang because they need to make fun of people different from them in order to feel good about themselves. Psychiatrists have linked this to the fact that their parents didn’t hug them as a child and often laughed at them for walking “goofy”. Personally I am glad that President Bush used the phrase that his aides made up for the occasion (“darn good”). Somehow I don’t think most people would appreciate the subtle genius of Bush’s original response, “Listen up you little fuck stain liberals trying to make me look bad! You had better not set food in Texas or I’ll shoot you myself Unforgiven-style! Besides my information about Iraqi is extremely creditable-ic.”

-Speaking of Unforgiven, what a great movie to sum up my feelings on the huge success of the Iraq War or as the media dubbed it Desert Storm 2: Desert Harder! If I were president during the war and the media asked me about the deaths of unarmed civilians my answer would have been, “they should’ve armed themselves.” Before crossing the border into Iraq I would have had a massive hi-jacking of the State TV, Newspapers, Internets, hell I would have hired airplanes to pull signs all with this simple message, “All right now, I'm comin' in. Any man I see out there, I'm gonna shoot him. Any sumbitch takes a shot at me, I'm not only gonna kill him, but I'm gonna kill his wife, all his friends, and burn his damn house down.” That would be a great kickoff to a great war, don’t ya think? Although I don’t know if I would actually burn his house down maybe I would just shoot an RPG in the window and do a little “redecorating”. Then when announcing an end to major hostilities I could have closed my speech with, “Hell of a thing killin' a man... taking all he's got, and all he's ever gonna have.” Then I would have hung onto the runner of a Huey chopper with one arm while giving a huge thumbs up to the cheering crowd.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that this article is well... extremely horrible in that really mean yet you can't help but laugh kind of way. I've had to explain myself many times to plenty of people about this and that is fine. Well, read and enjoy.

- So I was driving today and I saw my 400th H2. The Hummer used to be cool because you hardly ever saw one and then when you did you could still snicker about it and use a cheap overused blowjob joke. But now I’m so sick of seeing these damn urban assault SUV’s driving around the city. I don’t care that they guzzle gas that doesn’t bother me at all it’s the fact they will never take them off road…ever! The closest these things will see to off road is the neatly manicured yards of suburbia. If they really want to know what it’s like to drive a military vehicle I’ll stand on the street corner and shoot RPG’s at them. Lets see how well they can talk on their cell phone and drive while dodging a live grenade.

- Today I found the greatest source of entertainment ever created, the public transit bus. I went to visit my father at his office to have lunch and I had to leave the safety of campus buses and venture onto the PT #2 Bus. On the drive into Downtown I shared a bus with a man who can only be described as a homeless version of James Brown. And every time a girl would get on the bus he would saunter over to her and ask if they wanted their picture taken today. If you ever are feeling bad about yourself or just feel like you haven’t heard enough crazy people carrying on a conversation with themselves, then I highly suggest you ride the public transit bus. Besides I think we all know the old saying, “A bag lady a day keeps the Prozac away!”

- It’s Student Government Election time on campus’s across the nation. I don’t know about all you other schools but here the chalked sidewalks are starting to get really annoying. Not because they’re an eyesore, but because there are so many of them and I get confused as to who is who. If these people wanted to win the election they would have a crew walking around with super soakers clearing away the opposition. But there is yet an even better way to garner vote. Give the local campus homeless people shirts with your logo on them and a bunch of flyers to hand out. I don’t know about you, but if I see a bum campaigning for someone they would get my vote, guaranteed!

- Old people in college classes. Nothing makes me angrier than walking into my class and seeing those three or four people who are as old or older than my parents. And they always talk about their kids when they answer questions, but the worst is when they think they are the best things to ever happen to comedy. I would rather puncture my eardrum with my pen than listen to their horrible attempts at being funny. Now don’t get me wrong I am not against people finally getting their college education. I am simply saying there are more appropriate places such as branch campuses and community colleges, not Division 1 main campuses.

- But old people also bring another horrible aspect to the college campus… Roller Backpacks! And this plague is spreading; I’ve seen several super-dorks wheeling those things around. I promise you all this: The next time I see someone wheeling their backpack I am going to tackle them Old School the movie kidnap scene style!

- I’ve taken a couple honors classes thus far in college and there is one thing they all have in common. In a class of twenty-five there is always one attractive girl, two cute girls, and every other girl has a 30 inches hanging over each side of the chair. This has only reaffirmed my theory that the majority of good women are idiots and only fat ones are smart. Which brings me to my next subject.

- Until now I’ve been joking around but now I feel the need to address something that is very near to my heart, something that is no joking matter. What is this problem? Fat Girls… yes that’s correct, Fat Girls. Nothing angers me more than fat girls who don’t think they’re fat. I’m sick and tired of seeing a behemoth walk into class and seeing the desks move like Moses parting the Red Sea. But what really gets me mad is when you are laying there after hooking up with a “cute” girl. Then she gets out of bed and BLAM two-lane ass in your face! And you didn’t realize this because she somehow shoved her cottage cheese ass in a pair of size six jeans and wore a sweater because, “It’s chilly”. There is no excuse for a woman to be fat, and if you are fat you need to follow these guidelines.

- If for some reason you are required to go out in public you can only wear oversized wind pants and a sweatshirt that is too big for you…that is, if you can find one parachute size. This can only be beneficial to yourself, since even if it is hot outside you will still sweat off some of your fat ass.

- Do not wear huge platform type shoes or sandals. If you are thinking that by wearing 5-inch shoes you are taller and therefore look skinnier. THIS IS FALSE! You still are fat and have only made yourself look ridiculous. And because your center of gravity is offset you have a better chance of falling and killing a small child. For everyone’s safety do not wear huge shoes. If I see you wearing these shoes I will punch you in the face.

- If you are fat you cannot have any small cute stuffed animals or anything having to do with hello kitty or other Asian cartoon imports. Every time I see a girl who falls into this category I am reminded of the scene in the original Frankenstein where he is picking flowers by the lake with the little girl, being sweet and gentle. Then, SNAP, he kills her. You have no idea the psychological trauma that I go through every time I see a girl who fits this category.

- Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate all fat girls, only the ones who think they are not fat, those that are bitchy, or those that don’t dress suitably for their weight. Here are a few more suggestions on being a value to society. Next time you are laying on your couch watching Trading Spaces or Joe Millionaire while eating an entire package of Oreo ® cookies…DON’T! Instead of getting a Hugefrigidbitch burger next time you go out to eat ORDER A SALAD! There is no excuse for being fat; I don’t care if you have to diet Somali-style. One way or another lose that weight so I don’t have to look at your huge beluga ass. If you are cute but just need to shed a few pounds then get on a treadmill and lose the weight. However if you are a fat bitch who has a skewed perception of herself then do everyone a favor and play tonsil target practice with a shotgun (just imagine it is a big metal corndog)

I first started web-publishing my writings a couple weeks ago using easyjournal.com but I realized that my writings are less journal and more blog material. So before I put up any new material I am going transfer my easyjournal writings to their new home.